Monday, June 29, 2009

Episode-4: No Swagger

Alice had refused to drive with Stockbroker324, whose name turned out to be Nick, so she followed him to the restaurant. In the car she blasted Brit pop for no other reason than it made her feel perverse and argumentative. It made her feel like being a dark and difficult smart-ass punk. Which she was, just not on a regular basis. That was one reason she loved Joe so much. He was the physical manifestation of what she wanted her soul to be: dark, brooding, and brash. She might have been the same to him, the picture of his soul, but she doubted it. Joe was infinitely more complicated than Alice and she loved that too, trying to dissect and unravel him, she missed it. And in the car listening to Arctic Monkeys prattle on about sex and vulgar apathy she felt something akin to swagger. She put on red lipstick as she pulled into the restaurant. Nick opened her door for her and as she got out she breathed in his cologne and wrinkled her nose.

“This isn’t where I had intended to go,” Nick said, his face betraying nothing to Alice, “but it’s the only place I could think of without a dress code.” Alice flashed the sardonic smile she love to bestow on Sisko.

“You’ll have to forgive me, my mother set this up. I didn’t really want to come.”

“Well, this should be fun then.” Nick said as Alice walked ahead of him. It was a seafood restaurant, most of the places in Morro Bay were seafood restaurants. Alice entered the restaurant first and gave her name to the hostess. She turned and Nick was sitting in a seat near the door pointing to an empty spot next to him. Alice sat down.

“You know, you’re really pretty. That picture you put up on the site didn’t do you justice.”

“So, you’re a stock broker?” Alice asked, watching a family eating at a table near them. Nick cleared his throat.

“Yep. Do you know anything about preferred stocks?”

“Nope. Do you know anything about polyommatinae?” Nick let out an audible sigh.

“You’re really going to make this hard aren’t you?”

“Why are you being so persistent? You could have just bailed back at the house.”

“Sometimes the things you have to work for turn out to be the best things of your life.”

“I am neither a thing nor a tough nut to crack.” Alice was losing her swagger, the thought of keeping this up all through dinner just made her exhausted.

“Ok, ok, I get it. I can’t possess you. Didn’t mean to make it sound that way. I’m just not a quitter is all and I’m guessing, you have a cute little smile under all that toughness.” he raised his eyebrows. Alice furrowed hers.

“I’m not really a starter.”

“What does that mean?” Nick seemed to like this game.

“It means I don’t want to be here.” Alice ran for the second time that night, Nick calling out an apology after her. Alice knew she was the one who should be sorry, but she couldn’t be coy or flirtatious with a stock broker. With anyone.

It was dark, it was late and she had to work in the morning. Home meant facing her mother. The restaurant meant facing a reality she wasn’t ready for. She picked up her cell phone and called Sisko.

“Let me guess,” Sisko said on the other end, “you hate him?”

“Just tell mom I’m coming home, and if she’s there when I get back I’ll kill her.” Alice hung up the phone. She was half serious. Her father and Sisko would cover it up, they were good at that sort of thing. It’s not like they liked her either.

As Alice sat in her car outside the restaurant a dragonfly landed on her windshield. Anisoptera, she mouthed to herself, but she didn’t know exactly which species. She watched the big-eyed killer. It was dark and she couldn’t make out its color, reddish maybe, but its complexly veined wings shimmered in the streetlamp lighting the parking lot. Her grip loosened on the steering wheel as it just sat there. Alice never killed dragonflies for specimens. They lost their color when they died, a verification, she thought, that they were not as ephemeral as the butterflies she studied and should be left to fly.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Episode-3: Ophryocystis Elektroscirrha

Alice sat in her giant, puffy reading chair with a red pen, leafing through a colleague’s soon to be published paper on Ophryocystis elektroscirrha, a protozoan infecting and nestling under the wing scales of monarch butterflies. O. elektroscirrha sapped the butterflies’ strength and shortened their lifespans. Monarchs over-wintered in the eucalyptus trees in nearby Morro Bay so they were easy fodder for scientific study by some of her less than ambitious colleagues. Alice studied the blues, the Polyommatinae, like Nabokov. She planted buckwheat and milkweed in her garden to attract Icaricia acmon and secretly hated it when monarchs overtook the milkweed in the spring.

A deep red blob soaked through the pages where her pen-tip rested as Alice looked out her windows at the milkweed swaying in the breeze. It was October and the monarchs would be leaving Canada and Washington and heading toward Morro Bay. The sound of her front door opening startled her and she dropped the red pen onto her chair. It wasn’t the first red ink mark on the soft velvet and probably wouldn’t be the last.

“Where are you? Get dressed.” her mother’s husky voice, like a stalking cat, crept through the house to where Alice sat. She shuddered, then heaved herself out of the chair and made her way to Patricia.

“Hi, Mom, what are you doing here? Hi Sisko.” Sisko scowled at Alice, no doubt this was an unscheduled trip.

“You have a date tonight. Look at his profile.” Patricia said, straight faced and holding out a printed sheet of paper.

“No I do not. I’m working.” Alice waved her own ink splotched paper at her mother as proof.

“I set it up for you, he’ll be here in forty-five minutes. Come on, let’s go.” Patricia moved toward Alice and made shooing motions with her hands. Alice glanced over her mother’s shoulder at Sisko who glared at her and gave her a curt nod. Alice shook her head.

“No. I’m not ready and you can’t do this to me. I won’t go. I won’t get ready.” she leaned against the kitchen counter and folded her arms. Patricia’s face softened.

“Honey, I know this is hard, but you need to move on. And ‘Stockbroker324’ seems like the perfect guy.”

“Mom!” Alice’s chest felt tight. Joe had been an artist, a good one too. Their lifestyles meshed perfectly. As Alice wandered the country in search of blues, Joe followed, sketching and taking pictures. Butterflies showed up in a lot of his works. Even in the darker ones he had painted later on.

“He makes good money.”

“I don’t need money.” Alice was near tears, wishing her mother would issue her favorite threat.

“You need stability.”

“Mother the stock market is hardly stable,” Sisko broke in. Alice saw the opportunity to distract her mother.

“Why doesn’t Sisko have to get a man?” Alice pointed accusingly at her little sister. Sisko was twenty-seven with a successful knitted accessory business and still living at home. Patricia just rolled her eyes.

“Sisko is special, you just leave her be,” she said. Sisko’s mouth dropped open, but she thought better of arguing. Patricia checked her watch, “you now have only thirty minutes to get ready. I suggest you hurry. What can it hurt? If you don’t like him you don’t like him.” Alice shook her head and mouthed the word ‘no’.

“He’s not that bad looking, Alice,” Sisko took the profile from her mother and handed it to Alice.

“He looks,” Alice searched for the right word, “opulent,” was all she could come up with.

“Read more,” Patricia beamed.

“His hobbies are ‘racquet ball and shopping for his girl’,” Alice wrinkled her nose and shook her head again. Patricia’s smiled broadened. Alice was beyond words at this point so she continued with Stockbroker324’s, “He wants to find, ‘a sweet, really good looking girl to have his children’.”

“Oh, Mother! I didn’t even read that part,” Sisko grabbed the paper, “he wants a womb with nice tits. Alice doesn’t have nice tits.” Alice clenched her fists and ran to her bedroom. Sisko sprinted after her. Patricia waddled.

Twenty minutes later, as the doorbell rang. Alice unlocked her bedroom door and reappeared in jeans, flip-flops, and a black polo shirt from Target. Her hair was up in a pony tail and she had mascara and lip gloss on.

“Oh, honey, no.” Patricia shook her head in disbelief.

“I’ll go on your dates mother. But none of these men will like me.” She stomped to the door, her mother and Sisko close behind her.

“At least she looks hot in those jeans,” Sisko offered as Alice put her hand on the doorknob.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Only Quiet Applause Please

Sorry everyone, no new episode tonight. I got my first concussion (celebration is OK, but please do it quietly), and stringing this sentence together was no piece of cake.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Episode-2: The Blues

“Hi, Mom,” Alice couldn’t help sounding irritated as she sank into her favorite chair with the phone against her ear.

“This dating profile you and Sisko created is crap.”

“So write it yourself, what do I care?” Alice cradled the phone between her shoulder and ear as she picked at a tuna sandwich.

“Honey, I know you’re still upset about Joe, we all miss him. It’s been a whole year though.”

“Tomorrow, it’ll be a year tomorrow,” Alice said, absently nibbling on a tomato.

“If you start to cry I’m hanging up.”

“Don’t tempt me.” Alice heard her mother sigh on the other end of the line. There was a minute of silence and Alice knew her mother was regrouping. Her mother was like Patton, she had a strategic goal and she’d accomplish it no matter what the casualties were. Behind her back Alice and her father had called her mother ‘Old Blood and Guts’ for years.

“Alice, you know I love you,” came the cooing voice from the other end of the line.

“I’ll pretend.”

“You need a man. And you aren’t going to get one by putting on a dating website that you are a lepidopterist.”

“But that’s what I am.”

“It’s nerdy. No one likes a girl who thinks too much.”

“No, idiots don’t like girls who think too much.” There was more silence on the other end. Old Blood and Guts was switching tack again. Alice took a bite of her tuna and flipped on the T.V. She had yoga class in an hour and this conversation could easily run that long if she couldn’t figure out how to derail it.

“Mom, have you ever heard of Glaucopsyche xerces?”

“Honestly, Alice, I don’t want to talk bugs right now. I want to get you a man so you can have grandkids.”

“You should adopt.” Alice heard her father in the background asking about the butterfly and she smiled.

“Your father wants to know the butterfly you asked me about.”

“The Xerces blue.” Alice took another bite and listened to her father burst into muffled laughter as her mother told him the name of the butterfly.

“What’s the joke?” her mother demanded.

“Glaucopsyche xerces was the first butterfly to become extinct in the U.S. when a practice ground for Army tanks was built over the sand dunes where it lived.”

“I don’t get why that’s funny.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom.” Alice could hear her mother cover the phone and scream at her father who was still laughing.

“I don’t get you two sometimes.”

“Dad likes me.”

“I love you. I want you to be happy. Your father is still laughing.”

“Hey, Mom, I gotta go. I have yoga.” her mother was still berating her father.

“I’m not done.”

“I know, Mom, but I need to leave.”

“Fine, but I’m monitoring your profile and I’m picking dates for you. Email me your schedule so I know when to book men for dates.”

“No. Bye.” Alice hit the hang-up button on the phone and let her head fall back into the comfy chair.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Episode-1: A Widow in Its Jaws

“God, what are you looking at now?” a tanned, bleach blond girl in oversized sunglasses slammed her car door and made her way up the walkway where her sister was crouched.

“It’s a daring jumping spider, Phidippus audax I think. But it killed a black widow.”

“Wow,” the blond girl said as she dug through her purse.

“Oh come on, that’s cool. Widows aren’t aggressive, but they don’t have that many natural enemies either. That’s a big kill for the jumper,” Alice snapped photos while she spoke.

“Good for him.”

“See how the widow’s abdomen is all shriveled? Phidippus don’t spin webs. He’s sucking her dry as we speak, he’ll just carry her around until she’s empty.”

“Gross. I thought you weren’t a spider studier.”

“Arachnologist, no, but all aspects of the natural world…”

“Hold wonder, I know.”

“Sheesh, Sisko, I can feel your eye-roll with my back turned.”

“Are you gonna put one of those pictures on your profile for that dating site we talked about.”

“I told you I’m not doing that.” Alice stood and offered her little sister a sardonic smile before she opened the screen door and let her in. Alice watched Sisko check the door jambs and ceilings and smiled as she rhythmically brushed each arm twice then ran her hand from the top of her head to the ends of her smooth hair. Alice refused to rid her house of spiders. They walked to the kitchen, Alice got glasses and a pitcher of iced tea.

“How’s Mom?” Alice asked. Sisko rolled her eyes again.

“Dad and I have a pact, if this new therapist doesn’t work were dumping her body in the ocean.”

“She’s still refusing to talk to me?”

“Until a mother approved profile has been posted on a mother approved dating site.”

“Which is the purpose of this unscheduled visit I suppose.” Alice offered Sisko a slice of lemon for her iced tea. Sisko’s fingers clicked along her phone’s keyboard, ignoring the lemon. Grinning, Alice squeezed it, squirting juice all over Sisko’s phone and T-shirt. Sisko nearly dropped her phone as she jumped back from the kitchen island where they stood. She stared at Alice with her mouth open in shock.

“Alice! My shirt is dirty now.”

“It’s lemon juice, Kiddo, it’s not going to hurt anything.”

“It’s dirty.”

“You can’t even see it. It may as well be water.”

“I can smell it. Oh my God, I can smell it. I can’t walk around the rest of the day like this.” Sisko set her phone down and wiped it off with a soft cloth she pulled from her purse, then she grabbed her keys and stomped out of the kitchen with a wicked glance at Alice. Alice laughed and squeezed the remaining juice from the lemon slice into her glass. She hopped up on a stool at the counter and snatched a notepad and pen lying near her.

“June 13, 2009:
Spotted a Phidippus audax with a partially desiccated Latrodectus hesperus in its chelicerae just outside the front door. Took lots of pictures. I think it (P. audax) must live in the flax plants in the garden. I can see now why they are called ‘daring’ jumping spiders. It was a jarring image; my usual subjects of study are so gentle and graceful that these reminders of how violent the bug world is always make me giddy.”

The front door slammed and Alice heard Sisko tromping up the stairs to the master bedroom. She closed the note pad and followed.

“That’s a cute shirt,” Alice said as a peace offering. Sisko, clad in a new T-shirt, was bent over her bathroom sink, scrubbing the lemon juice out of her old shirt.

“Not as cute as the one you got dirty.”

“How’s your therapy going?”

“Funny. I don’t need therapy. I need a sister who isn’t a thoughtless jerk.” Sisko released drain and wrenched the faucet, sending a stream of hot water over the now clean shirt.

“I could have just thrown that in the laundry you know.”

“Oh, so it could sit for a week with acid on it? No way.”

“So what was your scheduled activity today, before Mom made you come here?”

“Baa gets a new delivery today. I planned on going over there to see if they got anything I don’t already have. I need more bamboo yarn, I can’t even work on anything if I don’t have some in my stash. It’s all I can think about. Need more bamboo, need more bamboo, need more bamboo. And if I don’t get there by eleven, then my blog will get posted late, then I’ll have to cook diner for P and M on time so that means I won’t get my ironing or knitting done or my website updated until late.” she pressed the shirt against the side of the sink to get the excess water out. And then looked around the room. Alice just watched her, she’d seen this routine at least a hundred times, probably more. Sisko grabbed a clean hand towel from the cabinet and stood on the edge of the bathtub while she wiped the shower curtain rod clean. Then she took the T-shirt and hung it over the rod.

“Why don’t you just go to Baa now. We’ll just tell Mom we made a profile.”

“Nope. She wants logins, passwords, everything. She wants proof.” Sisko dried her hands. Alice furrowed her brow as Sisko walked past her to Alice’s office.

“I really have to do this?”

“Sit.” Sisko demanded.